A Lonely Feeling!!

I have friends at work and they are the only "Friends" that I have, some know a little more about me while the others are just peers. This write up may not make sense to anyone if they were to read it, Its just a feeling that I am sharing..

I sometimes wonder what would I do with my free time and maybe could come up with a lot of Ideas... but i do not feel like doing that in the first place.. "Think".

The only other thing I can think of is spend time with my loved one... but that too is not possible for the simple fact that we still cannot be together... If i were to tell her that... there is practicality which I appreciate.. since she says there would be days where we would have to be away from each other. True in every sense and when I come to think of it... I used to think that way too.

That has put me in this dilemma that even though I want to spend time with someone, I am not able to.. Hmmmm... now either this has a simple solution or its really complex the way I am looking at it.

I really do nothing with the time I have... I Drink and smoke... and that usually helps me kill my time (Killing me softly too).

When I am sitting over a bottle of beer, thats the only company that I have... Just me and the bottle sit and stare at the world go by and not a word till we part is spoken. Its a feeling that I cannot explain in words, but maybe that has bought solitude so far..

Is this how my life will be and end? A Life of a loner with so many feelings deep within that will be never spoken of to anyone.. not even me?.. I sometimes ponder on such questions and then there is this fear that grips me... what if this is the life that's destined for me?

Come to think of it.. I am a Loner... a masked character who forgot to remove it after a masquerade.. Still walking the streets!!

I am not able to think of anything more to write at the moment.. so would end it here dear diary.. Until the next time when I have some answers to my own questions.

Life's unexpected turns

It all starts with one fine night, travelling to my dad's hometown. It has been three years since my last visit. It was with a lot of mixed emotions since I had made a commitment of making a trip every year.

Coming to the part of the story, all ready, bags packed and en-route to the station. Board the train and settled down. Started messaging a friend who I was speaking to a while on sms and now then on calls.

It starts of as a usual conversation, until a message comes in stating "Do you think we share more than a friendship?" My immediate response, nothing at all.. I was shocked to have come to a point where I had to think hard (I had left that for awhile). My head spun and I started to think of what my response should be.

I replied back asking if we shared something more than friendship, is that feeling good or bad? Now, I was not trying to play the devils advocate, but wanted to know hell bent on wanting to know the response from the other side.

Now its obvious that you would not receive a straight answer, so I skip that part. After a number of messages exchanged, it came to a point that you would have to respond to it either with a Yes or No.

I was playing safe since I did not want to be the first to take a step and then come to a point where I would loose a friend if the response was negative.

Finally she revealed that she was in love with me and wanted to know if the feeling was mutual.

I was back to where I started of in dilemma not knowing how to take this feeling forward. For my own reasons and misadventures that I had in my past, I finally gave it a deep thought and took my best foot forward and replied that would want to take this to the next step and yes was of the same feeling and thought.

It was tough for me to take that decision, since I was not out of my previous relationship completely. The thought now dwelled in my mind, how do I put across the fact that I was infact married and yet, taking this step.

I did not want to be called the guy who is two timing when that was not the case. Anyways for that moment it was needed to be answered in the way that we both were happy.

After a couple of hours of disturbed sleep, wee hours of the morning before we reached the station, I put this across to my dad and mom.. Yes thats right them the very next hour or so!! To my surprise I received a positive feedback asking me to go ahead with it, with the condition that I tell her about my past.

For the next 3 days after my trip and post travel coming home, I took a stand one night to put the thought across to her.

I felt its better soon than late and avoid another heartbreak. Now how do I begin the conversation, it seemed more difficult for me to break the news to her than saying I Love You. When I started the topic after beating round the bush and when I put the fact that I am married to her, I received a response that shook the ground below my feet completely, more so that I had a cold shiver run down my spine and tears rolled out of my eyes. She said "I know" and still wanted to take it forward.

Now do I call myself lucky or is this life's way of having fun with me? I had no clue and to the extent that I could not sleep anymore.

I ended the call after sometime and then called her the next morning to check with her if she really meant what she said last night.

It was all true, I was the happiest that day and ever since that morning. I would want to share more, but running out of time at the moment. More will follow now. Until then ciao!!